Hello and welcome! Click on the arrows and the months to access earlier posts.

In early January, the ENT said I have collapsed nasal valves and recommended going back on the steroid spray, along with a prescription antihistamine. The antihistamine made me drowsy, so I switched to Claritin (in the end, nothing has helped and I'll be seeing him again). Mid-month, I got a random email from Tammy saying she was lonely and missed me. Honestly, she should’ve thought of that before she and her brood harassed and threatened me. Health-wise, I was dealing with pyuria again, started Cipro on the 16th, and even after finishing it a week later, I still had burning and elevated white blood cells. On the 28th, I started Bactrim and was referred to a urologist.

In February, I chopped off a lot of my hair to my shoulders. Andy reached out again and I blocked him; I still love him, but I don’t need the drama. The urologist thinks I may need estrogen cream and mentioned a possible cystoscopy and ultrasound in the future. On a lighter note, I got a new coloring book and my hydroponic system arrived—I’m excited to grow my own herbs, veggies, and maybe flowers!

March was a mixed bag. Got through the first half of a deep dental cleaning. My crown fell out during the second half of the cleaning, but the dentist said I should be fine for now. Had a back bottom molar pulled, a painful experience. Switched from Twitter/X to Bluefly for now. Someone nearby was found stabbed—eerie timing after a nightmare I had involving Rhonda turning into a knife-wielding killer. Tom got a pole saw, and I got a cute pink mousepad. I’ve been curious about reincarnation lately, and keeping an open mind. A friend journaled about haunted dolls, and now I kind of want one! Also ordered reusable freezer bags, and there was a great update to VZ’s radio feature! I suspect my lung tightness might be climate-related, so I’m skipping Levo weekly to test it. Tinkerbella moved to a smaller cage—easier for her aging body.  We also switched from Spectrum to Frontier. The sleep lab can’t see me until June, so we’re looking into buying a CPAP outright.

In April, I got a little Himalayan salt lamp using my insurance points. Started using the estrogen cream, which initially caused an uptick in PVCs, itching, and trouble sleeping, so I use it sparingly. I also got some crystals, a coloring book, a sippy cup, and an EMF reader. Jade, my doll, may be haunted—according to the EMF reader. More investigations are underway! Ordered a pillow for my TMJ but didn’t like it. Excited that I finally harvested some romaine from our hydroponic setup! The tomato plant’s taken over everything. I did VZ’s Easter ride challenge. After years on Pinterest, I left because they were stealing my pins. Tom cleared the sunken sidewalk in back. I had a virtual visit with a sleep doctor, and my OSA is now high-end mild with an AHI score of 14. Sadly, Tinkerbella has a tumor.  Ended the month with a quick dental visit.

May kicked off with me starting CPAP therapy. Baby tomatoes have appeared. We moved the hydroponic setup to the lanai since the tomato plant was aggravating my allergies. The water went off three times in one week—felt like déjà vu from the old place. Started VZ’s Eurovision challenge. Set up a playpen for Tinkerbella since she’s been chewing wires. My AHI score is almost normal, and I’m used to the CPAP now, but I have to tape my mouth to keep air from leaking. Doesn't always work, though. Also tried using a chin strap too and got my best AHI score yet (0.5), but despite all the progress, I’m still tired too often due to leaks and fragmented sleep. I’m worried this might be as good as it gets. Tried a hybrid CPAP mask, but it leaks more. Found out Jesse died in 2022 from some kind of accident. Switched my allergy meds to the beginning of my day because they were affecting my sleep. Jade keeps triggering the EMF reader—definitely mysterious. Got new outfits for her and my Adora doll. 

In June, I struggled with constant fatigue, poor sleep, and ongoing battles with my CPAP masks, which always seemed to leak or wake me up, leaving me feeling hopeless about ever improving. Storms and allergies added to my exhaustion. I tried things like maca powder, electrolyte drinks, and adjusting my carb intake to boost my energy, and while I had a few surprisingly good days, most left me drained. My thyroid numbers, high cholesterol, and fluctuating energy deepened my fears about chronic fatigue, though Tom’s cataract surgery went well and we celebrated his 68th birthday and our 31st anniversary with little outings. I juggled blog issues, social sites, Swells, VR rides through places like Serbia, and creative hobbies like writing, coloring, and even sculpting, but I often longed for more alone time. Between health worries, storms, and depression, I tried to hold onto small joys—our homegrown tomatoes, coloring books, a pineapple colada, chatting with Kathy, and VR meditation—while caring for Tinkerbella as her tumor grew but she still showed her usual spirit.

In July, I kept juggling health, energy, and daily life. My eye exam went well, and I expected new glasses and VR lenses soon, while Tom’s appointment was quick and smooth. I struggled with sleep—storms, CPAP leaks, and those “chipmunks” kept disrupting me, though some nights I slept better than others. Fatigue weighed me down, sometimes so badly I considered switching to audio journals, but I still cooked, blogged, did Swells, and edited old stories when I had energy. I celebrated small wins like streaks in language learning, new rugs, a ceiling fan, a food chopper, jewelry, and even colorful toenails. I enjoyed apps like WinWalk and Bing Rewards, VR rides through Dubai and South Africa, and fun chats with friends. Through it all, I leaned on Tom, who supported me and even did things like install a new ceiling fan in the bedroom, and I held onto little joys—treats, naps with nature sounds, and my audiobook at night—despite exhaustion, thyroid worries, and dark thoughts.

For August, I kept myself busy with a mix of daily routines, health struggles, and small joys. I was still battling fatigue (although CoQ10 seemed to help with that somewhat), occasional CPAP whistling and “chipmunks,” allergies, and worries about my thyroid, nodules, and lab results, though some nights went smoothly and I even had good energy now and then. I finished and edited stories, shared them on different platforms, and experimented with ways to post journals and cover designs, while also enjoying VR rides, virtual travels through places like North Macedonia and Serbia, and new apps. I cooked, dyed my eyelashes, got new glasses, and treated myself to ice cream, chips, or even BK on occasion. I also reminisced over old photos and updated social accounts. Despite the ups and downs and restless nights and worrying about neighbors or noise, I leaned on little pleasures like audiobooks, incense, and other things to get me through.

In September, I unlisted almost everything of mine on Penana because of spammers, and I started working on my next book, Them. I had some fun moments too—playing Walkabout Minigolf’s new closest putt mode, and celebrating after 14 months of virtual riding from Finland to Greece, just before the next challenge taking place in South America. I also got a new Samsung Galaxy A16 5G and seriously enjoy the Lucky Charms flavored toothpaste I discovered. Tink’s tumor is growing, which really upsets me. A friend gifted me a haunted doll, and I gifted her a couple of diamond paintings. Left a filled paper journal I’d use on the road in a public bathroom for someone to discover.

During October, I picked up a $4 surprise goodie bag from Circle K. It had a sausage sandwich that was way too spicy for both of us, but the smoothie, fruit cup, and fruit bar were good. It was a fun experience overall. I finished up the Hispanic Heritage challenge and started having a strange whooshing sensation that comes and goes on the left side of my neck. Got our flu shots and covid boosters. Second Circle K grab bag sucked. My coffee incense arrived and smells great—it’s got a hint of chocolate in it. I’m also looking forward to getting some portable kitchen cabinets or drawers that’ll look nicer than what’s here, plus a glass corner unit to display some of my collectibles. Using some leftover points from my insurance plan, I ordered a Vanilla Woods–scented candle. I’m also planning to check out FicFan’s NewNoWriMo next month. Tom had his second cataract surgery and I kinda like the Portrait chat buddies. Dyed my hair burgundy and got a new wedge pillow that’s definitely better than my old one. I plan to get some Palo Santo sticks to use after cleansing with sage. The sage removes negative energy, and the Palo Santo helps seal in the good energy. Or it supposedly does.

For November, I started NewNoWriMo, but didn't win due to my fatigue. I've continued to have a throat tickle on and off (I later realized the humidity setting on my CPAP was too high), and will be going for a thyroid ultrasound early next month. Began taking B12 supplements with CoQ10 and Goji berry. They seem to give me a bit more energy (I think) when I’m not crazy tired. Really getting into scented candles and even got some ceramic coasters, a set for trimming wicks and snuffing flames, and then a couple of candle lamp warmers. I also got a door strap with resistance bands and started putting together a list of exercises, though my fatigue doesn't always let me work out as much as I'd like. Got a 32-pack of lip gloss in 16 different flavors that’s just so-so. I signed up for Mate Pro for only $10 for the year. Picked up another 30-day supply of clonazepam that’ll last me half a year since I only take about one a week. Hoping to get used to my new oral CPAP mask and bypass allergy issues. The Autumn 25 Challenge came out on VZ—we’re riding through Detroit, Nashville, Portland, Minneapolis, and Phoenix. This month, I was the saddest since losing my bestie in 2020. We had our beloved pet rat, Tinkerbella, euthanized. I ordered a variety pack of six Amish-grown popcorns along with buttery salt using my insurance points. For my upcoming birthday, Tom got me an LED tooth-whitening kit. It should help with all the coffee and red wine I drink.

Wrapping up the year with December, I bought a cheap coconut candle from the dollar store and, unsurprisingly, it barely smelled like anything. I also ordered a set of 16 tiny candles in different scents, plus even more candles and wax melts from Amazon. One bright spot was enjoying a white rose and peach candle, along with a toasted banana cream pie candle that I loved. I also picked up rosemary and hot chocolate candles, though both needed a warmer to release their scent. I’m definitely noticing that off-brand candles tend to be weak. Expecting WoodWick’s Warm Woods trilogy candle today that I know will be good. I started rebuilding my Spotify library after getting three free months of Premium through Bing credits. We had to buy a new freezer for a couple of hundred dollars since ours was acting up. I’ve been exhausted heading into my sixth decade and still think nasal valve surgery might help. Bought a heated CPAP hose hoping it’d help. My thyroid ultrasound results came back quickly and looked fine overall, except for a small nodule on the left side that wasn’t a big deal. My book Them is officially finished at nearly 40,000 words. I discovered Trainr Move VR which is fantastic, plus another VR app with beaches that’s good for meditation. Arrows is one of my fave phone app games. Ray getting new windows installed while I was trying to sleep was no fun. I also noticed myself wondering how long it would take for people I deleted on Facebook to notice—if they ever do. I finally decided I was done with Vanessa and her narcissistic, one-sided behavior. VZ had a small three-ride challenge—two rides in the Southeast and one in northern Alaska.

2019-2024

There isn't much left of 2024, and if you're wondering why I'm cramming half a decade into a single post, it's because I didn’t do the greatest job documenting the highlights of my life other than in journals after 2018. Starting next year, I’m going to get back on track with that. I'll go back to tweeting about what's happening and include the more important events in my yearly reviews.

For now, I’ll highlight everything that comes to mind, although it might not necessarily be in chronological order. I figured that if something doesn’t come to mind, then it wasn’t very important.

In late 2019, I finally gave my sister and her equally twisted offspring a piece of my mind regarding their lying, narcissistic, toxic ways. They ended up threatening, stalking, harassing, and cyberbullying me for a few months afterward. I had a shitty phone with no blocking capability back then, so I had to get a new number.

I totally regret letting them back into my life and never will again under any circumstances. No amount of apologies, promises, or rewards could ever get me to change my mind! I'm almost embarrassed it took me so long to learn that people really don’t change. They may claim they have, and they may seem different at first, but don’t let wishful thinking distort reality! The way she treated me when I lived near her should have been lesson enough. I should have known better than to take her back after what she and her ex put me through in Maricopa and the grief she and her brats caused me in Auburn. That was a truly dumb move on my part.

Thanks to her example, her daughters have followed in her footsteps. It was when I realized I was ashamed to be their aunt that I knew I wanted nothing to do with them or their mother. The way they treated me was utterly appalling. Quite often, our true family isn’t bound by DNA.

Because of the close connection and the discomfort it caused, I decided to make a clean break from all family members, including those I had never had a problem with. I felt a bit of guilt about my extended family, but I knew that sometimes we have to prioritize ourselves. It was time to start doing what I had failed to do for years.

My first cousins were already ghosting me, so there were no ties to cut there. I tried reaching out to Lori and Lisa, but I got nothing but radio silence in return. Nothing from Polly, and Phil went quiet on me after a few message exchanges.

COVID-19 began spreading, and my husband was laid off in early 2020. It turned out to be perfect timing since he wouldn’t risk getting sick, especially since it would be over a year before we could get vaccinated. He collected unemployment and then retired at 62.

We realized it was an ideal time to move once the vaccine became available, and I realized my strong feelings about not staying until he was over 65 actually meant something.

The beginning of 2021 was horrible. My beloved friend Aly was hospitalized with numerous symptoms, including constant coughing, swelling in her legs, and more. By then, we had grown very close and loved each other like sisters. We had planned to meet the previous year because she and her boyfriend were going to visit California, but COVID and her illness changed that.

Before being hospitalized, she had been misdiagnosed with Crohn's disease. It was later confirmed she had a mass on her ovary. I felt absolutely horrible for her. She was a true magnet for cancer, having already battled breast cancer in both breasts and undergone a double mastectomy before she turned 30. Now, at just 40, she had to undergo surgery to remove the mass. During the operation, her bowel was perforated, and she required a stoma.

My heart broke as we exchanged messages on Skype like we had nearly every day for over a year. She told me she'd heard of people beating the odds but couldn’t see herself being one of them. Soon after, she messaged me saying her stoma had become infected, and she was being rushed back into surgery. Then came her final message in early May, one I’ll never forget: I'm going to die. All they're doing is giving me comfort care. This sucks. I've hardly lived. I hope my parents’ neighbor can figure out my phone to let you know when it happens.

At first, I chalked it up to her feeling shitty and being in a bad mood because of it. But when a day passed without word, I started to worry. After two days, I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, her neighbor texted me, fulfilling Aly's request to notify me. She had developed sepsis due to the infection, and her body was too weak to fight it. I have missed her SO much ever since!

Also, Stephan’s (Steve) brother says he died around the same time, but I could never find any obituary or grave listing. I wondered if it was true or if he was just saying that. Before this, I found a number for Stephan in Massachusetts and called, only to end up speaking with a very hostile woman I suspect might have been his wife. He must have been there in the room with her because she told him I was someone he knew in the '90s before telling me he wasn’t coming to the phone. I felt a bit hurt, as I had wondered about him for many years, always wishing we could reconnect. So, I’m not sure if he really died or not, but if he did, that’s a really sad thought. I wonder if it could have been COVID.

I also found and reached out to Nissa on Facebook, but she never replied. Same thing with a few other people, including Randy, the really friendly mailman up in Oregon. I learned his last name from another mail carrier who forwarded my info to Randy. All he did was Google me. He never actually reached out.

I informed Kim and Molly of Aly's passing. Molly’s mother passed away a few years prior. I felt a little bad for Molly, but otherwise, I didn’t feel bad at all considering how much the mother was in on the bullying I endured years ago.

Kim was no longer allowed online as her sister finally caught on that she was stalking, harassing, and impersonating people. So I got the word to her through her sister, who still has custody of her. Kim had a phone but no browser installed. She only had an email provider. We exchanged emails nearly every day until she ghosted me for agreeing with her sister regarding her obsessive nature. As with Paula, I was mostly glad she dumped me because she was a pain in the ass to deal with. Her sister said she was autistic and the equivalent of a 5-year-old. While I understood that she couldn’t help the way she was, I was also sick of the stupidity, the repetition, and the blatant lies that I knew she damn well knew she was telling. She still had a basic understanding of right and wrong. So no, I don’t miss the mile-long emails telling me the same shit over and over.

Not that I care to connect with Molly regularly since she too had her share of mental and emotional problems and was mostly overly clingy, Kathy and I noticed that she no longer seemed to have an online presence.

Yes, Kathy. I reached out to her and we reconnected after more than a decade. Other than that, I tried to no longer reach out to those who don’t reach out to me first. I figure, why should it always be me to make the first move? Let someone else show how much they care for once and reach out to me first.

After 29 years in the West, we left California and moved to Florida in July of 2021. We moved into a smaller home in a quieter, more rural area. It’s not perfect—there are more planes than I’d like—but it’s a million times better than the old park. I only hear landscaping once a week, and I don’t hear tons of projects. The water is on consistently, and there is little loud traffic. What I do hear is mostly motorcycles. Some of the people I like, some I don’t, and most I don’t even know. I avoid people for the most part, not just because I’m not sociable to begin with, but because there are so many conservatives here. Yeah, people do have the right to their own beliefs and opinions, but I don’t really fancy the idea of hanging with anti-gay, anti-Jew, anti-women God fantasizers.

I consider myself agnostic—not sure if there is a God or not—but leaning more towards atheism for a variety of reasons. I just feel like I’m a little too old to have an imaginary friend that hasn’t been proven scientifically in any way. I also don’t buy a lot of the shit in the Bible. Never have, never will.

Another thing I like about the place is that many of the homes, including the one to one side of us and across the street, are empty half of the year because there are many snowbirds from the North, including Canada.

We were surprised to learn that there’s a dry season and a wet season. The rainy months are mostly July, August, and September. It’s not as humid during the other months, and they only mow every other week at that time. I hate it when the summer thunderstorms wake me up, but I love the storms otherwise. It gets a little nerve-wracking during hurricane season, though. There are more power outages here, even when it’s not storming.

The house is a little newer, built in 1990, and not as big as I’d like at around 1,000 square feet. It’s a cute little place, though. A place with a little more space would be nice, especially since we’ve gotten totally addicted to virtual reality. Since it’s humid here a lot of the time and treadmills are boring, it would be really hard to push myself to work out if it weren’t for VR. I use a glider to travel the world. It’s an app that lets you travel wherever Google Street View has mapped. Plus, he and I play miniature golf every day. I also have a meditation app, boxing, and other things.

I’ve been addicted to all things AI since it hit the scene big time in 2023. I swear I must ask ChatGPT millions of questions every day! It’s great for double-checking the correctness of my journals and stories as well.

I’m not impressed with the healthcare and the people in general here. They just don’t seem as friendly. Rarely can I bitch about slow drivers holding us up either. They drive like maniacs here, and there are always accidents. Always.

My health has gotten better, but then it hasn’t. It seems I always have problems. I’m fully menopausal now, so much of the anxiety has backed off, which is good, but I still have trouble sleeping and was even diagnosed with sleep apnea.

I’ve also had a tooth pulled, my dental bridge replaced, and my gallbladder removed. Currently, at the end of 2024, I have nasal issues interfering with my sleep, along with a few other things. My biggest problem these last few years has been fatigue. My first go with the CPAP was a fail, but now I’m getting desperate enough to use it once I get another one.

For many years I’ve believed that 4 is a very unlucky number, and 2024 is definitely not ending well. Hopefully, next year I can get my nasal issues (collapsed nasal valve?) and sleep apnea dealt with so I can finally have some decent energy. Fingers crossed!

2018

January

On the 4th, I noticed my red and white blood cell counts were rising again. That had me on edge until the 8th when I got the best news—my tests for leukemia and bone marrow issues came back normal. Total relief. Then on the 11th, I got so excited when I found Officer Palma on Facebook.

February
Woke up on the 5th to a message from Officer P—totally AWESOME! I’m not expecting anything from it, but it was still really cool. Then on the 18th, I was surprised (but pleased) to hear from Stacey. I also wrapped up Socio—almost 16,000 words!

April
Had a bit of a scare on the 10th—my blood pressure read 168/107, and I still hope it was a fluke. A week later, after six+ hours without water, it finally came back on. What a pain!

May
On the 12th, Tom suddenly went deaf in one ear. I did a bunch of research, which, as usual, was full of conflicting info. It’s probably a virus, but it’s stressful not knowing. I’m just as worried about him as I am about myself.

June
Glad I got my PCP appointment over with on the 4th. Not all the test results were back, but my cholesterol got worse. She sprayed nitrogen on a precancerous spot on my back. On the 5th, I saw that my T3 and T4 are fine, but my TSH is back up to 16. Ugh. On the 23rd, Tom found some sleeping earbuds that finally helped me sleep through all the traffic noise! I’m worried I might have chronic fatigue syndrome—I’ve got most of the symptoms. On the 26th, my nieces cut me off. Apparently, I’m not allowed to express myself the way they are. I’m just done with the family drama. Two days later, on the 28th, I had a “bleeder” for the first time in a year. Also, happy 61st to Tom!

July
On the 2nd, I got a really strong gut feeling that we’re not going to be living here till Tom turns 66. I don’t know when we’ll leave, but it feels like it’ll be in a year or two. The 11th brought some relief—Tom’s MRI was clear, just as we figured. On the 25th, I finished Stealing Kat, my NaNo project, with just over 10K words. Then on the 29th… we said goodbye to Burkey boy. 💔

August
On the 22nd, I found Nissa, the bus driver I briefly knew (and had a crush on) in Springfield back in the '80s. I messaged her on Facebook but don’t expect a reply.

September
By the 18th, I knew for sure—moving here was a HUGE mistake. The constant construction, landscaping, and water shutoffs are unbearable. I can’t do another five years of this. On the 29th, I noticed “Polycythemia Vera” listed on my health portal. Weird—my red blood cells weren’t that elevated that often, were they?

October
Our crown tail betta died on the 9th. Just heartbreaking. But on the 13th, I got a beautiful new butterfly betta. On the 15th, I saw my endo and stopped at the lab. I’m trying a new med plan—50 mcg of levothyroxine for a week, then adding 5 mcg of liothyronine. If it works, I’ll follow up in two months. Fingers crossed. On the 16th, lab results were about as crappy as I expected. T3 and T4 are fine, but my TSH shot up to 27. I even showed my endo the skipped meds chart I made in Google Docs. On the 29th, the water was out again—for hours. And it’s going out again later this week. I am so done with this place.

November
On the 5th, I officially called it—Marie and I are done. She chose to walk away, and honestly, I’m glad. I’ve forgiven her too many times for the same crap. I care about her, but I’m not dealing with crazy anymore. On the 9th, the sky turned a strange brown-gold from the wildfires farther up north. On the 21st, I got a call from my endo’s nurse asking me to head to the lab. Tom even left work early to take me. But then came the bomb—my TSH is 33. That’s the same number I started out with five years ago! So now I’m back to 75 mcg of Levothyroxine, since the liothyronine combo didn’t work. On the 24th, we lost Simon. 💔

December
I turned 53 on the 4th! But I was still sick, and now Tom’s catching it too. My energy’s wiped out—not just from the flu, but my TSH is still 22. The good news? Apple cider vinegar shots helped my cholesterol a lot. I also joined Kindle Unlimited and I’m loving it so far. On the 11th, we lost Dumbo. Another heartbreak. On the 22nd, after five days of monitoring, I might have stage 2 hypertension. We also learned Tom’s mom passed away four years ago. I had a few words for some of his family, and now Ryan and Jennifer want to add me. Yeah, no thanks. My PCP said my blood pressure is good in the mornings, so no meds for now—just keep up the lifestyle changes. Honestly, I’ll take good news wherever I can get it. We also brought home two adorable 9-week-old cinnamon-hooded rats, Fuzzy and Woody. They’re such a bright spot in a rough year.

2017

January

On New Year’s Day, Mary dumped me. She said someone told her I was supposedly badmouthing her in my blog. I wasn’t even surprised anymore, just angry—used for years, then discarded like that. Later in the month, I had to dish out $175 to fix the hot water tank. Turns out it was the thermocouple. I also won a Canadian rat magazine in a Facebook giveaway. Small win, but it cheered me up.

February
Kicked off the month with food poisoning—the first time I puked in nearly 20 years. Discovered a site I love that randomly generates character names. And I finished writing Locked-In—just under 18,000 words!

March
Tried to get used to sleeping with Sense’s sound machine. Not sure if it’ll work for daytime sleep, though, might need something louder. Ended the month experimenting with pink noise via Alexa—aiming to simplify and rely on fewer devices.

April
Jumped into CampNaNoWriMo with Rosemarie’s Revenge while also dabbling in Kinky Kathleen and Someone Else’s Lady.

May
Wrapped up The People Project, a personal dive into everyone I’ve ever known. Took just over two months. I also started Clonidine for ADD, sleep, and maybe anxiety too.

June
Clonidine turned out to be a nightmare—knocked me out but wrecked my sleep. Done with that! My TSH hit 16 from skipped meds, but it was necessary to calm my anxiety. Then came another worry—elevated red and white blood cell counts. Still unsure what’s going on. I also began taking Amberen for menopause symptoms. So far, it seems okay, though it made me drowsy.

July
Maliheh’s email got hacked—weight loss junk. Surprised I’m still in her contacts. Found a way to block people who’ve blocked me on Facebook. If they ever unblock me, they still won’t see me. Met a neighbor named Mary who asked about all the street digging. Apparently, it’s irrigation work, four years in the making. I also messaged Scot B—he blocked me days later, and I have no clue why.

August
Discovered Grammarly and I’m obsessed. Watching my writing improve as I edit is so satisfying.

September
TSH is 15. Perimenopause is clearly a major anxiety trigger, though meds don’t help either. Got a mouthguard and two partial crowns for $600. Expensive but worth it, and great seeing Kathleen at the office.

October
Accidentally pulled out a crown while flossing—dentist fixed it in five minutes. My TSH dropped to 6.75. On the 27th, my very first “real” journal entry turned 30. Wild to think about.

November
Reconnected with Kim on Twitter, though not Aly. Still, it’s fun catching up. Bought a $25 sound machine to fight traffic noise. Fingers crossed. Finally gave in and decided to get new windows—noise is one thing, but stealing my sleep? Nope. Also finished Stepping into Psycho—just under 24,000 words!

December
Health frustrations hit hard. I’m beyond fed up. My white blood cells are up, cholesterol is crap, and TSH jumped from 6 to 11. Seriously—WTF? My PCP wants me to see a hematologist. On a brighter note, Aly tweeted a birthday wish (not directly, but still nice) and later reached out. Made my day. I also had a talk with Marie’s ex. She didn’t hurt me personally, but she’s clearly messed up. Glad we never met back in 2010.

2016

January

2015 ended on a fearful note, but 2016 began on a hopeful one. Unfortunately, Lexipro worsened my already disrupted sleep patterns so I didn’t take it for long.

Menopause wasn’t easy, though I was relieved to experience fewer episodes of my heart racing.

After a month without Andy in my life, I didn’t miss him at all. I was ready to move on, free from his false beliefs about me, his paranoia, immaturity, and stupidity—the whole exhausting package.

I returned to my counselor Stacey, and wow, no therapist had ever been so helpful! She introduced me to a form of Chinese medicine called emotional tapping, which can be used to manage anxiety and other issues. Initially, it seemed silly and pointless, but to my surprise, it worked.

Tom and I both ordered Fitbits to monitor our sleep, heart rate, and activity levels.

We booked a superior ocean-view stateroom with a private balcony on Royal Caribbean’s Independence of the Seas for January 30th to February 4th! The plan was to fly to Fort Lauderdale and cruise down to Cozumel.

After the cruise, we planned to rent a car, visit Tammy, and stay at a nearby hotel. We were flying first class with a layover in Houston. Tammy and I were both incredibly excited to finally see each other after so long.

I decided to stop attending aerobics classes at the clubhouse. They kept it too warm, and I couldn’t stand the repetitive old music. I opted to walk around the park, use my treadmill when the weather was bad, and continue working out on my Bowflex.

Aly started to get on my nerves with her clinginess and constant demands. She often took it personally when I was busy. While I felt for her struggles and didn’t want to abandon a good friend, I wished she’d do more to help herself. Her health issues and lack of local friends likely contributed to her emotional challenges.

One bright spot was discovering Alexa’s ability to read Kindle books!

I ordered an adrenal test kit on Amazon, which required saliva samples at four different times of the day. Blood tests hadn’t shown any issues, so I hoped this could provide more insights.

By the end of the month, my cortisol lab results came back. Two tests were normal, while the other two were on the low end of normal. It confirmed that something was off hormonally, which I suspected was related to menopause. A GYN I consulted validated that levothyroxine could cause anxiety—a helpful acknowledgment, though I wished other doctors had told me this sooner.

Later in the month, I won an adorable 18” vinyl doll that I later donated to Goodwill.

On January 29th, we left for the airport early in the morning and later checked into the Red Carpet Inn in Fort Lauderdale. Ironically, the room had no carpet! Before we headed to the cruise port, I updated Facebook and Twitter and texted Aly.

Then came the nightmare. The ship’s computers had issues, and there were immigration delays. Over 4,000 passengers were forced to wait in the sun for more than four hours. I suffered heatstroke but a kind woman trained in CPR helped me while the crew seemed indifferent.

Someone else handed me a bottle of water and a banana, which helped even more. I was incredibly grateful. I was so dehydrated that when I overheated, my body couldn’t even sweat to cool me down.

I wasn’t the only one who suffered heatstroke. Paramedics came for someone else who got sick.

By the time we boarded the ship, I was weak and exhausted, but I couldn’t get food or rest right away because we had to attend roll call and go through all the emergency drills they make you do. Even after that, getting food delivered was no easy task. The service was absolutely horrible. We were both so damn frustrated. It was such a horrible waste of money.

February

The only thing good about our Royal Caribbean cruise was the food in the Windjammer. We enjoyed the spa as well, and of course, I did a little shopping in hot, humid Cozumel, Mexico. We shopped for ourselves, our family, and our neighbors, Bob and Virginia. I bought some things from some of the Promenade’s seriously overpriced stores.

Choppy seas prevented us from docking in Costa Maya the following day, just as it had prevented us from docking in Grand Turk & Caicos after stopping in Puerto Rico and the Bahamas when we cruised the eastern Caribbean in 2007. So not only did we get horrible service, but we also didn’t get to go on any excursions.

It took me about three days to fully recover from the heatstroke. I felt drained, disoriented, and just overall awful. I managed to sleep okay, though, and liked our stateroom better than the one we had on the Westerdam. We also had a private balcony, which was nice to enjoy despite the constant sea winds. We sailed so close to Cuba that it almost felt like I could add another country to my travel list.

The banging from the neighboring rooms was maddening, and we couldn’t even get the Internet we paid for. We forgot to bring the laptop charger too, so its battery life didn’t last throughout the entire voyage.

On the last day, I had a Fire and Ice mani-pedi. Jill from Jamaica did a great job on my toes, which I chose to have polished in blue. But while buffing the ridges from my fingernails, she made the nails—polished in pink—too thin and brittle.

We gambled a bit, but never played miniature golf or went rock climbing.

After nearly a quarter-century, I finally got to run into my big sister’s arms for a long, emotional embrace AND see my lovely niece Sarah! That was on the 2nd. I met Becky the following night at a diner we all went to. They both looked lovely, and I was thrilled to see them after so long.

It was wonderful meeting Mark too, who’s such a great guy. He had some interesting stories to share over dinner. He grilled us steaks one night, while Tammy made a roast another night.

Tammy’s home was beautiful, but Florida was surprisingly chilly at that time. She took us to the beach and some really nice stores. We got so much stuff in both the US and Mexico that we had to buy another suitcase. She and Mark gave us cute knickknacks and a necklace too.

Our hotel was spacious and had a great view of the marina from its private balcony. The only time I didn’t appreciate being there was when they had a live band playing downstairs.

I definitely liked her city better than ours. We knew it was risky to change states again until he retired, though. The cost of living might be higher in California, but so was the pay.

As much as I knew I’d miss my family and the warmer weather, it was nice to be back in the comfort of our own home. I was surprised to find I’d won a pressure cooker not long afterward.

The house diagonally from us sold, and our new neighbors, a couple of women, have been quiet so far.

I saw Dr. L one last time and was bummed to learn she’d left because she was the first shrink I’d ever met who wasn’t crazier than her patients.

I worried about Aly’s health, chatted with Marie, who would always have a special place in my heart, and chatted with Christiane, who went down to Austria to do some skiing. Sometimes I missed Nane, but not enough to overlook her negative traits.

March

At the dentist, Holly cleaned my teeth, and the dentist confirmed a cavity in my upper right molar. It was so large that it needed a crown—ugh. The dentist asked if I snored or had sleep apnea because of the way my tongue flopped back. According to Tom, I only snore a little sometimes.

The office assistant talked me into buying an ultrasonic essential oil diffuser with a color-changing LED. I went with peppermint oil since the one on her desk smelled so good.

Won a one-year Pandora One pass, a pricey facial serum, some bath beads, and a lovely cosmetic bag.

Found myself becoming more frustrated with societal issues. The increasing violence among certain groups, fueled by movements like Black Lives Matter, felt disruptive rather than constructive. I firmly believe violence isn’t the answer to solving problems. It frustrates me that facts from years ago are now dismissed as “racism” due to political correctness.

I was dismayed to find Kim back on Prosebox, creating accounts and blocking mine again. I wondered how many more years it would take for her to realize I didn’t want anything to do with her. I wished we could coexist on the same platforms without her childish blocking games and jeopardizing my account.

Then Aly shocked me by dumping me. She claimed I didn’t think much of her and that we were too different in our ways of thinking. She also said I was too blunt and critical of her. I’ll admit, I can be blunt at times, but it’s never meant to offend—just to be honest. I never demanded she live a certain way or thought less of her for her choices. It was a crushing blow, but I knew I had to move forward.

But I knew it wasn’t just about me saying things Aly didn’t want to hear—it went much deeper than that. The truth was, I wasn’t her “type.” Just like some women are drawn to toxic partners, Aly seemed to prefer friends who were unreliable, mentally unstable, and not particularly bright. This was evident in her closeness with Kim, Molly, and likely others who shared similar traits.

Aly openly admitted to being a habitual liar. Over the years, I caught her in numerous lies but chose to overlook them, focusing instead on her better qualities. However, the ultimate betrayal came when I discovered that she hadn’t left Twitter as she claimed. Instead, she had a hidden account where she expressed excitement over my being gone for a couple of weeks. This stung deeply, especially since I’d gone out of my way to text her from hotels while on vacation, knowing she was battling depression. To find out she was speaking about me behind my back while claiming I wasn’t there for her—despite my daily efforts—was an insult I couldn’t ignore.

The hurt and anger led me to lash out online for a brief period. I admit I bullied her a little, though it wasn’t my proudest moment. She eventually apologized, but even her apology was more about making herself feel better than repairing our friendship.

Despite missing her at times and the eight years I believed we were friends, I realized she was never truly loyal.

On another note, I found myself longing for the peace of rural living. I missed the quiet, the seclusion, and the absence of constant traffic. While I didn’t miss the lack of utilities or mail services, the noise of city life often grated on me.

April

As the month began, I once again wished for a rule prohibiting non-emergency projects on weekends. Having two guaranteed quiet days would be a blessing, but as always, weekends were hit or miss.

I also toyed with the idea of cutting off the rest of my friends and disappearing entirely. While it might have been safer emotionally, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At the time, I wasn’t open to new friendships either.

It continued to bother me that so few people from my past reached out to me on platforms like Facebook. Maybe they had tried but couldn’t get through, or perhaps they didn’t bother at all. Facebook’s design made it difficult to contact those outside our immediate circle.

Mid-month, I had my permanent crown placed on my upper molar and then went treasure hunting at Goodwill. Even though we could afford new, expensive items, there was something thrilling about uncovering unique finds.

I was inspired to write the book Shane based on a dream that gave me the idea for it.

I was upset to learn that California would start providing free medical care to undocumented children. Now, parents in Mexico could bring their children by the dozens, further burdening our resources, while many citizens receive second-rate service and still have to pay for it.

Tom received over $150 in gift cards from work, including ones for Chili’s, Amex, and another I can’t recall.

Unfortunately, at the end of the month, our two-year-old rat, Hoodie, passed away.

One night, I woke up with a racing heart after a bad dream. Later, I learned that my LDL cholesterol was very high, and both my red and white blood cell counts were elevated. I declined cholesterol medication at the time due to my fear of side effects.

On the last day of the month, our washing machine started smoking and died. We replaced it with a front-loader, which I liked overall despite a few minor drawbacks.

May

The month started with good news—my endocrinologist, Dr. O, released me now that we had my medication dose regulated.

I won a pair of LED work light bars in an instant sweepstakes on Amazon—nothing too exciting but still a win.

The park continued turning off water every week or two to repair old pipes, which was annoying.

I finished the Dutch course.

June

Visited my PCP on the first of the month. While my lungs and heart sounded good, she convinced me to take half of a 10-mcg Pravastatin tablet every other day.

She also suggested referring me to a sleep specialist and scheduling an arterial ultrasound of my carotid artery to rule out blockages as a cause of my dizziness. The tech said he didn’t see anything worrisome.

The park turned off the water two days in a row, which really pissed us off.

Saw Stacey three weeks into the month. She suggested trying EMDR to help prevent future panic attacks.

Jackie moved out, and a couple named Jon and Carolyn moved in.

On the day Tom turned 59, my niece’s father died of cancer. I felt elated. The only downside was hearing about him nonstop on Facebook. Of course, I felt bad for his family, but I couldn’t shake my feelings about him. He was the man who abused Tammy and Lisa, indirectly got me arrested, and cost me a fortune in money, lost sleep, and anguish.

After watching a movie that reminded me of a fifth-grade teacher I had a crush on when I was 10, I looked her up and was shocked to learn she had passed away just two months earlier.

July

Camp NaNoWriMo began, and so did my project, The Interviews.

After my first dose of the statin retrial, I got the same sore throat as before and stopped it after 4 or 5 doses. The pharmacist I consulted said it likely wouldn’t go away, even though it’s a very effective drug. Unsurprisingly, my PCP attributed the sore throat to anxiety. I began to wonder if she’d say that about everything I ever felt, LOL.

Heard back from the woman I contacted at a rattery and purchased a really cool new cage. It was huge and cost a little over $200. On the evening of the 6th, we were supposed to meet Leslie to pick up the three male rats we adopted. Instead, we met her mother in Taco Bell’s parking lot. One of the dark rats turned out to be a hermaphrodite, so they substituted it with a Dumbo rat. That worked out better since having two dark rats might have made them hard to tell apart. I named the Dumbo rat Dumbo, the other dark one Burke (a Berkshire rat), and the Siamese rat Simon. They were a little shyer than I expected, but I planned to work with them and give them lots of love and attention.

Saw Stacey on the 8th, and as I told her, I almost wished I could see her every month for life because I always felt so much better afterward. I admitted I’d probably always have a general fear of medication, but it was nice that I could finally take painkillers for cramps and such without fearing something bad would happen.

She began EMDR sessions with me, helping me realize I wasn’t as weak and helpless as I thought during my trauma two years ago from the levothyroxine reaction. I managed to dial 911 and get the back door open, after all.

Our goal was to reduce the likelihood of me panicking if something scary happened in the future. She waved two fingers in front of my face like in the YouTube videos I’d watched, but she moved them faster than I expected. Keeping my head still, I followed her fingers with my eyes, which was much harder than I thought. She switched to moving them up and down instead.

During this, I focused on a negative trait I believed about myself at the time, then replaced it with a positive one. Between these hand movements, which lasted about 10 seconds each, I mentally walked through the terrifying events of that day:

• My heart pounding in my chest.
• Running out of the bedroom and down the hall.
• Fumbling with the new phone I wasn’t familiar with, hoping I could call 911.
• Finally reaching 911 despite shaky hands.
• Getting the back door open in case I didn’t survive until the paramedics arrived.
• Standing in the carport, trying to recall our space number for the dispatcher.
• Seeing a curious worker glance at me through the trees as I spoke frantically.
• Hearing the paramedics approach.
• Moving toward the driveway and seeing a redheaded guy step out of the fire truck.
• Watching the paramedics hook me up to a cardiogram and assure me I hadn’t taken a lethal dose of levothyroxine or had a heart attack.

Saw Stacey again in the middle of the month and realized how much I had come to like her. I even started to wonder—and hope—that the feeling might be mutual, not necessarily based on her words but on her tone and body language.

My periods continued to be highly erratic, and I began to be harassed by Leslie and her mother. Her mother proved to be batshit crazy, leaving me long, dramatic voice messages threatening to take me to court for “slandering” them in my blog after writing that I wasn’t happy with how shy the rats were. She demanded my address so they could serve a warrant for a cease and desist, etc. Oh, and as a disabled war vet, I was triggering her PTSD, and she needed to be medicated, just like her autistic “child,” who was really an adult with children of her own, as I would later learn. She also tried to use her autism as both a crutch and a weapon against me, but it had nothing to do with anything, and I would never have even known she was autistic if they hadn’t chosen to tell me.

I was also harassed and threatened via email by the daughter and on Facebook by Mommy Dearest. I was never worried, though. I knew I hadn’t broken any laws. All I’d done was piss them off by telling them things they didn’t want to hear.

We did something that felt so good! Yes, it felt so good to get it all out after 3 years of sitting back in silence. We finally voiced our opinion of life in our park in an anonymous survey. As I learned the hard way from past experience…if you complain, people can’t handle it and they retaliate, no matter how legitimate and reasonable your complaint may be. This way, I could let them know how sick I was of the constant landscaping sounds and finding kids in the pool after hours, along with the damn water outages. I left out the motorcycles and other loud traffic, wanting to address the most important issues.

August

On the 11th, I met with Stacey with mixed emotions. We had a great meeting, and as much as I hoped I wouldn’t need her again as a therapist, I hated to think it was goodbye forever. I was stunned to realize that my fondness for her was mutual. She told me I could call her, and I gave her my contact info. Planning to contact her on Valentine’s Day if I don’t hear from her first or need to schedule an appointment with her.

They turned our water off on two separate days for nearly 6 hours. I was so frustrated with that and the daytime noise that again I thought of moving, but had no idea where we could go to escape it. Instead, I let them have it anonymously online, and this time I included how annoyed I was with motorcycles being allowed to roar in and out of the place.

I continued to have intermittent dizziness on and off, as well as earaches. I took my BP for a week or so and seemed to be all over the place with the upper number. Sometimes it was normal, other times it was too high.

November

The park turned our water off for 4 hours and I finished my book, The Wrong Sister.

Saw my ENT, who told me I had arthritis in my jaw joint (TMJ) and that my ear looked fine. Also saw a doctor who confirmed my non-24-hour sleep/wake disorder.

Stunned out of my mind to see Trump get elected as president. And pissed.

As expected, the park turned our water off again for an hour.

December

Turned 51 and went on a shopping spree.

RIP Cappy.

Anxiety begins to return. Left a message for Stacey to call me.

Got my first real period in 3.5 months.

Went for my echo stress test, and then my session with Stacey was awful. Was very hurt, shocked, and angry to have been led on by what was otherwise a very helpful person into thinking we’d at least keep in touch. She was the last person I expected to let me down like she did. It was like I was meeting with a whole ‘nother person I had yet to meet, and I left her office feeling confused rather than less anxious and more hopeful for the future. I had no doubt that she had been attracted to me and then got scared off by her own feelings. I knew I couldn’t have suddenly become that bad at reading people. This didn’t lessen my disappointment in realizing we would never even be just friends.

A few days later, I sent her a letter telling her how I felt and why I canceled our appointment. I did it more to get things off my chest than because I felt I owed her an explanation.

Despite the fact that I feel confident that she never meant to make me feel the way she did, I still felt how I felt, and I never even so much as got a single apology for it.

Got desperate enough to try Estroven as I was feeling like shit both physically and mentally. I was anxious, I was crying, I couldn’t sleep, I had no appetite, I had no energy, and I had the runs. Later stopped the Estroven due to a tingling feeling in my throat and mouth, which the lady at the number on the box said could happen.

2015

January: I saw Dr. O, my new endocrinologist. She doubled my levothyroxine dose from 25 mcg to 50 mcg and then eventually to 75 mcg.

We got Amazon Echo’s Alexa.

February: Got a new MacBook Air, new smartphones, and sold our 1994 Ford Taurus after getting a 2003 Cadillac Seville.

Our Sugar ratty died and we got a new rat named Cappy to live with Hoodie. He’s been antisocial and a bit of a bully.

Exchanged voice messages on Facebook with Irene in Austria in both English and German.

Also got in touch with Raj, the Indian guy who owns one of the motels we stayed at up in Oregon. I learned he had a crush on me and I found him to be rather perverted.

March: Painted the laundry room light blue, and got an 8-foot strip of rainbow tape lighting.

I had an ingrown toenail removed.

April: Was put on Prozac for anxiety, but had to stop due to it giving me suicidal thoughts. Met with my counselor Stacey, and decided I liked her better than Dana.

Was sad to learn my Italian foster dad died, but happy to get a new kitten named Simone.

June: Celebrated our 21st anniversary, and got dumped by Paula after refusing to buy her a plane ticket and feed and house her for two weeks. To be honest, I was glad when she dumped me because I was sick of dealing with her stupid, aggressive and selfish ways.

Painted the master bath Buttercream.

Thrilled and surprised to see marriage equality become a reality.

July: Had to return Simone to the adoption agency because she triggered my asthma. Very sad day.

Completed my book Rainstorm.

Found a couple of cousins online (Lori & Lisa) and gave them a piece of my mind for the first time in 30 years, but don’t know if they actually got or read the messages.

September: Saw my dentist. No cavities. Endo wants to raise me from 75 mcg to 88 mcg.

Began writing a story called Bringing Brynn Back.

October: Been cigarette-free for 18 years.

Had my worst asthma attack in 10 years.

Labs were normal but anxiety was so bad that I had to go back to 75 mcg while Tom’s blood pressure medication dosage was doubled.

Installed our new motion sensor toilets.

November: Realized that my parents didn’t lose custody of me when I was in my teens but that they willingly gave me up. Don’t know why it took so many years to hit me. Maybe a part of me just didn’t want it to.

My bike was stolen and we ordered Stowabikes for both of us.

December: Cholesterol was down.

Bummed to see the house diagonally from us up for sale.

Got lots of nice things for my 50th birthday, and we also got a PR1000 Bowflex home gym.

Began entering sweeps again and won a few small things, including an adult coloring book.

Ended my friendship with Andy as I was tired of his arrogant, immature, selfish, stupid, hypocritical, judgmental ways.

Tom got an award for excellence at work.

I began doing aerobics at the clubhouse.

Received some lovely gifts from my top cyber buddy, Alison.

We both got kick-ass colds we suspected may’ve really been the flu, and reapplied a spell to help better our lives since my anxiety had been horrible. So much so that I would soon be starting Lexapro and hoping for the best. Ordered a home testing kit to see if I had an adrenal imbalance not detected in blood tests. One that uses saliva.